Over-Apologizing: How to Break the Habit
As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.
Presenting and Asking Questions
This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.
Personal Peace
I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.
Finding the Source
A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.
In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.
Actionable Tips
Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.
Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.
This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.
